Poor Carlisle
by x-NeonQueen-x
Summary: sequel to poor Charlie. the cullen's and Bella play truth or dare, and Carlisle is now the one that will have to endure there fun!
1. Chapter 1

**B's pov**

"Come on Edward, it's time to torture Carlisle!" I said as Edward picked me up.

Edward chuckled, and took hold of my hand as he fly down the road.

"Don't you think it might b more of a challenge to torture a vampire, especially Carlisle?" Edward asked amused.

"Yeah, but I'm up for the challenge, do you think Esme will help?" I asked hopeful as we pulled into the driveway.

"I don't think she would want to torture Carlisle, but she might play with us." Edward said with a grin, and pulled me out of the car.

The Cullen kids were waiting for us outside looking mischievous.

"Oh this is going to be so good!" Emmett said with an evil smile.

I laughed and gave them each a hi-five, before we walked in and took a seat in the living room.

"Alright I'm going first!" Emmett said eagerly.

"Fine." Alice pouted.

"Bella, truth or dare?" Emmett asked seriously.

"Dare." I said also eager.

"I dare you to dump holly water on Carlisle and scream 'die you beast' as loud as you can." Emmett laughed handing me the holly water.

I grinned, and ran up to Carlisle's study.

I walked in and over to him where he was reading a book.

He looked up at me and smiled, but before he could say anything I threw the holly water at him.

"DIE BEAST DIE!" I shrieked.

Carlisle looked at me shocked as he wiped the water away from his face.

"What the, Bella what was that for?" He asked a little scared

I shrugged, and turned around and left.

This was just the begging Carlisle I thought evilly as I walked back to the others.

"Alice truth or dare?" I asked sweetly.

Alice frowned in concern.

"Dare." She said nervously.

"I dare you to ask Carlisle if he would rape you." I said.

Alice looked horrified but I followed her as she walked to Carlisle's study.

She walked over to him, and he looked up with a weak smile.

"Umm Carlisle would you please rape me?" Alice asked seriously.

Carlisle's eyes widened, and he looked like he was choking on something.

"What no Alice I will not, I don't even think that's possible." Carlisle said looking sick.

"Oh ok." Alice said and walked away.

I laughed as we walked down the stairs, I don't think I've ever seen Carlisle said disturbed.

"Edward truth or dare?" Alice asked smugly.

"Dare." Edward said reluctantly.

"I dare you to ask Carlisle if vampires can pee, if he asks anything tell him that you think you peed your bed, and when he says your name say that you love him." Alice said.

Edward groaned, but walked up to Carlisle's study, I followed behind laughing the whole way, and watched as Edward walked to Carlisle.

When Carlisle looked up he looked hesitant, but hope was in his eyes.

"Yes Edward?" He asked.

"I love you." Edward said nervously.

Carlisle looked at him uncomfortably and scooted his chair back a little.

"Carlisle can vampires pee?" Edward asked.

Carlisle looked confused.

"No, you should no this by now, why do you ask?" Carlisle asked.

"I think I peed the bed." Edward admitted.

Carlisle looked at him wide eyed, and looked awkward.

"Umm Edward, I don't think that's possible." Carlisle said gently.

"I think I peed my bed." Edward repeated.

Carlisle frowned now.

"I heard you Edward, but it's not possible." Carlisle said growing impatient.

"I love you." Edward said with a smile.

Carlisle rubbed his face, and sighed.

"I know Edward you told me." Carlisle said annoyed now.

"I love you." Edward said again in amusement now.

Carlisle looked up at him with narrowed eyes.

"I don't care." Carlisle said and began to read his book again.

Edward walked out of the room laughing with me.

"Ok Emmett truth or dare?" Edward asked pulling me into his lap.

"DARE!" Emmett hooted.

"I dare you to tell Carlisle that Esme is swearing at you to much, and that she isn't a good mom for that, and tell him every time he says your name that you peed on his doctor's stuff." Edward said evilly.

Emmett beamed, and ran up the stairs, pulling me along with him.

Emmett ran into the room, and Carlisle looked up, and became nervous.

"Carlisle Esme is swearing at me to much." Emmett said seriously.

Carlisle looked shocked.

"She's a grown woman she has the right to swear if she wants." Carlisle defended.

"Well I don't think a good mother would swear." Emmett said crossing his arms.

Carlisle glared at him now.

"Emmett it's common for mothers to swear." Carlisle said not looking amused at all.

"Carlisle I peed on your doctor stuff." Emmett said seriously.

Carlisle's eyes twitched, and he sighed in frustration.

"VAMPIRE CAN"T PEE, ok they can't it's not possible, do you understand?" Carlisle yelled.

"Take a chill pill Carlisle." Emmett laughed as he pulled me back down stairs.

This is going to be so fun!

**Review? Sorry this might not be that funny, but the first chapters of funny stories are always not that great, it'll get funnier with every chapter I promise. **


	2. Chapter 2

**B's pov**

"Ok, Jasper truth or freaking DARE?" Emmett asked.

Jasper thought about that, and shrugged.

"Dare I guess, how bad could it be?" Jasper said with a hopeful look.

"I dare you to walk right up to Carlisle and start rubbing peanut butter on him, then if he asks you what you're doing say 'oops I mistook you as Esme for a second, and every time he says your name tell him that Esme is really sexy with mayo on her head, but doesn't taste good at all." Emmett said laughing loudly.

I laughed at Jasper's expression and followed him upstairs after getting a jar of peanut butter, and a knife.

I watched as Jasper walked right up to Carlisle without a word.

Carlisle looked up at him in confusion, and then Jasper got some peanut butter on the knife and began rubbing it all over his face.

Carlisle flinched, and backed up quickly.

"What in the hell do you think you're doing?" Carlisle asked outraged.

"Oops I mistook you for Esme." Jasper said sheepishly.

Carlisle looked at him shocked, and appalled.

"Jasper, why would you do this to Esme?" He asked.

Jasper shrugged.

"Esme looks sexy with mayo on her head, but she doesn't taste good." Jasper said lowly.

Carlisle looked like he was going to kill Jasper now.

Carlisle grabbed Jasper's peanut butter, took out a big glob, and shoved it in his mouth.

"If you ever do that to Esme I'll bury you in peanut butter!" Carlisle said in a huff and sat down.

Jasper gagged and spit it out on the ground, then looked down at it in a pout.

"Why did you have to ruin my peanut butter?" Jasper asked frowning now.

Carlisle rolled his eyes.

"You're lucky I didn't shove it down your pants." Carlisle grumbled.

Jasper sighed, and walked by down stairs, and I followed him down laughing the whole way.

"Rose truth or dare?" He asked.

Rose flipped her hair to try and hide her nervousness.

"Dare." She said looking down.

"I dare you to scream at Carlisle 'Shut up, shut up don't talk to me criminal' and if he asks anything say 'you know the hell you did!', and if he says your name tell him to go suck a turd." Jasper said laughing.

Rose sighed, and walked up the stairs and I followed after her.

She walked up to Carlisle and when he looked up she stayed quiet.

"What do you need Rose?" He asked.

They she erupted.

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP DON'T TALK TO ME CRIMINAL!" She screamed at him.

Carlisle looked at her with wide eyes.

"What are you talking about?" He asked in fear.

"You know what the hell you did!" She screamed at him.

He flinched, and hid his face in shame.

"Ok so I saw you get out of the shower, and stopped to stare, it's not like I took a picture!" Carlisle said quickly.

Rose stared at him in outrage.

"Now Rose, calm down." He said calmly.

"GO SUCK A FUCKING TURD!" Rose said harshly.

Carlisle looked like he just got slapped, and sick.

"Wow, that sounds so appetizing, but no thanks." Carlisle said.

Rose huffed, and walked out of the room, and back down stairs.

"Wow, who knew Carlisle of all people would do that." Alice said looking purely in fear.

We all shivered at that in disgust.

"Ok Bella truth or dare?" Rose asked.

"Dare." I said confidently.

"I dare you to go to Carlisle and ask him if vampire puke smells really good plus taste like French toast, and if he asks why tell him Edward puked in your mouth and now your addicted to the taste, if he says anything that has to do with gross ask him if he would please puke in your mouth to." Rose said with a snicker.

I groaned, and walked up the stairs, and into Carlisle's room.

He looked at me as if waited for me to run over and start to stab him.

"Carlisle is vampire puke supposed to smell really good, and taste like French toast?" I asked curiously.

Carlisle looked at me as his jaw dropped.

"I don't think so, why would you like to know?" Carlisle asked.

"Edward puked in my mouth, and well I've become addicted to the taste." I admitted.

Carlisle's eyes twitched, and he looked like he was going to puke himself.

"That's disgusting Bella, do you think maybe you should go see a shrink or something?" Carlisle asked concerned, and disgusted.

I rolled my eyes.

"Carlisle would you just please puke in my mouth?" I asked trying to sound hopeful.

Carlisle now gagged, and waved me away.

"Hell no, first I don't puke ever, second that's sick, three I think you need to see help Bella, and four please stop bothering me, it's getting really annoying." Carlisle said narrowing his eyes at me.

I shrugged, and walked out.

Poor Carlisle he doesn't even know what's going to be happening to him.

I sat down back on Edward's lap and looked at Emmett.

"Truth or dare Emmett?" I asked.

"DARE!" Emmett screamed.

"I dare you to go up to Carlisle and tell him you love turds, that they taste good, and the he wishes his turds could eat him, and that you wished you would be able to make love to a turd and have little turd babies, and tell him that you'd name them after him." I said with laughter that the others also joined in also.

Emmett seemed excited thought and ran up to the room with me right behind him and I watched as Emmett ran over and jumped onto Carlisle's desk, and just at there.

"Dear god Emmett don't scare me like that!" Carlisle said sinking into his seat as he looked at Emmett.

"Hey daddy, I really love turds." Emmett sighed dreamily.

Carlisle sighed.

"Not more turd talk, dear god oh mighty what is wrong with you all and turds?" Carlisle asked annoyed.

"Turds taste so damn good though Carlisle." Emmett admitted with a huff.

Carlisle raised a brow at him in disgust.

"You are so gross, don't tell me you eat that stuff Emmett, do you have any idea how wrong that is?" Carlisle asked.

"I wish my turds could eat you!" Emmett snapped at him.

Carlisle sighed in annoyance.

"God DAMN it Emmett, a turd doesn't have a mouth so it can't eat me, it can't move, it doesn't have a stomach, vampires can't poopy, and NO turd is big enough to fit me inside!" Carlisle said angrily.

Emmett laughed.

"YOU SAID POOPY!" Emmett laughed.

Carlisle groaned, and fell back in my seat.

"I wish I could make love to a turd, so we could make turd babies, I'd name them after of course." Emmett said sweetly and fluttered his eyes.

Carlisle looked deeply disturbed now.

"That isn't even possible, if you tried to do anything with a turd it would be crushed, and can you imagine the smell, What am I saying it's NOT POSSIBLE!" Carlisle screamed, and ran his fingers through his hair.

"There just turds Carlisle don't have a cow." Emmett laughed.

"Not possible." Carlisle mumbled.


	3. Chapter 3

**B's pov**

"Alright Bella truth or dare?" Emmett asked as he sat down.

"Dare of course." I said nervously.

"Alright, I dare you to start a conversation with Carlisle about sex, then right when he is about to say something say, 'shut up grandma, drink your prune juice!', then every time Carlisle says your name try to give him a wedgie, and when he glared at you ask him to change your diaper." Emmett said amused.

I groaned and went back up to Carlisle's office.

When he saw me he cringed, but tried to look like he had coughed.

"Carlisle can we talk about something?" I asked calmly.

Carlisle calmed a little.

"Sure thing Bella." He said hesitantly.

"How can you tell if the sex is good or bad?" I asked.

Carlisle stuttered at that.

"Umm, I think that this would be between you and Edward." He said.

"Is Edward supposed to be lubing with fish piss?" I asked.

Carlisle looked at me shocked, and went to say something when I cut in.

"SHUT up grandma, drink your prune juice!" I yelled.

Carlisle jumped and glared at me.

"Bella this is not the time for this." Carlisle said.

I gingerly walked over to him, and with all the strength I had tried to give him a wedgie.

Carlisle gasped, and was on the other side of the room in seconds.

"What do you think your doing, I'm a vampire I can't feel anything." He yelled.

"Well you pants are up your ass right now so I think I just gave you a wedgie." I shrugged.

Carlisle glared at me.

"Carlisle will you change my diaper?" I asked seriously.

Carlisle looked at me in disgust.

"No, and I don't want to know why you would be wearing a diaper either." He said.

"I wear it because Esme said it was a big turn on." I said trying to hold back my laughter.

Carlisle looked like he was about to erupt so I quickly walked out of the room and back down stairs.

"He isn't a happy daddy vampire anymore guys." I said.

**Sorry that's all I got, I can't think of anything anymore, I have to many other stories to work on, so this one was just a little forgotten, sorry, but I promise I will do another chapter on this when I get more reviews on my other story Angels or Devils.**


	4. Chapter 4

**B's pov**

I looked around at each of them with an evil smile, and pointed at Alice.

"Alice truth of dare?" I asked.

"Dare." Alice said biting her lip nervously.

"I dare you to go and tell Carlisle that he has all kinds of shit in his teeth, and offer to get him a toothbrush, and then ask him if he was eating shit." I said with a giggle.

Alice moaned, but got up, so I followed closely behind her, and I watched as she went into Carlisle's office.

Carlisle looked up at her with a glare, but tried to calm himself.

Alice took a seat on his desk, and stared into his mouth.

"What?" Carlisle asked in confusion.

"You have all kinds of shit in your teeth." Alice said looking at him with disgust.

Carlisle stared at her in outrage, and snapped his mouth shut. "I do not." He said glaring at her.

"Do you want me to get you a toothbrush?" Alice asked.

"I don't have a freaking shit in my teeth." Carlisle barked.

Alice paused, and took a whiff of the air, and she began to gag as she looked at Carlisle's mouth.

"What now." Carlisle moaned rubbing his eyes.

"Did you eat shit?" She asked.

"I most certainly did not." Carlisle said with a glare.

"Sure, I believe you." Alice grinned.

"Dammit Alice just go." Carlisle said hitting his head on his desk.

"Ok shit-face." She said then quickly walked out the door.

The others were still laughing when we made it to them.

"Were did shit face come from." Emmett laughed.

Alice shrugged with a grin.

"It just sounded right, but anyway, Rose truth or dare?" She asked with an evil smile.

"Dare..." Rose said with a frown.

"I dare you to tell Carlisle he should get his pimples popped, and then say would you take your hands off your ass for one minute please." Alice grinned.

Rose moaned, and walked slowly to Carlisle's room, me right behind her.

She walked up to Carlisle with an innocent smile.

"Hey Carlisle." She started.

Carlisle gave her a cautious smile.

"What is it Rose?" He asked.

"You should really pop all those zits." She said looking at Carlisle's face with a frown.

Carlisle stared at her in shock.

"What?" He asked.

"Oh nothing zit face." Rose grinned.

Carlisle growled lowly at that looking angry.

"I do not have zits on my face." He said grinding his teeth together.

"Would you take your hands off your ass for one minute please?" Rose said glaring at him.

"I don't have anything near my ass." Carlisle barked.

"Doesn't it hurt sitting on that pimply ass of yours?" Rose asked smugly with a flip of her hair.

"I don't have on pimple on my body thank you very much, do you wanna check?" Carlisle asked glaring at Rose.

"No thanks shit face." She said then turned and walked away.

I followed her back laughing as we reached the others.

"Ok Emmett truth or dare?" She asked with a grin.

"Dare babe." Emmett said excitedly.

"I dare you to get you're paintball gun, and act like a robber, as Carlisle for his money, to get down on the floor, but if he doesn't listen then shout him with a paintball." Rose grinned.

Emmett beamed and ran to the garage, and was back in seconds. We both walked up to Carlisle's room, and I laughed as Emmett put on a black ski mask.

Emmett kicked the door open, and pointed the gun right at Carlisle.

Carlisle jumped.

"Emmett, what are you doing?" He asked shocked.

"Just give me the money!" Emmett demanded.

"Emmett put the gun down, what money?" Carlisle asked.

"All your money give it to me now or I'll blow your head to pieces." Emmett warned loudly.

"Damn it Emmett just put the gun down." Carlisle yelled.

Emmett pointed the gun at Carlisle's eye and shot.

I gasped as a big green splatter hit him square in the eye.

Carlisle held his eye and moaned.

"Damn it Emmett have you lost your mind." Carlisle asked in annoyance.

"This stings like a bitch." Carlisle mumbled.

"Put the money in the bag son of a bitch." Emmett yelled.

"What bag, I don't have a god damn bag." Carlisle growled.

"That's it old I'm going to blow your brains to bits if you do give me the money." Emmett warned.

"Emmett." Carlisle glared.

Emmett pulled the gun out and in vampire speed shot him in the mouth.

Carlisle gagged, and coughed out blue paint onto his desk.

"That was disgusting." He moaned.

"Then give me your money now." Emmett said stepping closer still aiming his gun at him.

"Ok, just stop shooting me." Carlisle said and reached into his desk, to pull at four hundreds.

He handed it out to Emmett and Emmett hit it out of his hand.

"That's not ALL the money!" He yelled, then shot Carlisle in the other eye.

"Take that bitch." Emmett snicked.

"Just go away." Carlisle said moaning as he held his other eye that was now purple.

"Ok bye daddy." Emmett grinned, and walked out the door.

I laughed as we walked down with the others.

This was going to be good!

**Review, sorry if they weren't as funny, the next chapter is going to be way more funny, thanks for reading! **


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